Is “I’m too tired” the new “I’ve got a headache?”
Today’s average couple is always on the go and busy, some-how getting through each day even though stretched for time, overworked and tired. It’s not surprising that being tired gets in the way of having good sex on a regular basis – but not in the way you might think.
It’s a big couple conundrum and a question I often hear: “How can we want sex when we’re always so tired?”
Well, it’s not usually the “being tired” that’s stopping you from wanting sex.
There’s a reason sleep is considered the new sex. I think exhaustion is very real and a big concern for couples. No doubt, there are many times when a couple is too tired to have sex. Generally, though, being tired shouldn’t be linked to a person’s motivation to have sex (a.k.a. sexual desire).
The problem of pointing the finger of blame at being tired is that it usually covers up for other things that have gone wrong in the bedroom: lack of communication, buildup of resentment, boring sex … the list goes on and on. It’s easier for a couple to sidestep a huge argument by not opening that Pandora’s box. Agreeing that they are too tired becomes an easy answer.
In fact, many men and women have confessed that saying “I’m too tired” has become a bad habit – they say it before they really think about whether they are or not.
Not to rub salt in a we’re-not-having-enough-sex wound, but I know plenty of couples who have great sex lives – exhausted or not. In fact, they have more sex when they are tired, because it’s their way of relaxing and feeling good – sex can flood the brain with wonderful feel-good endorphins, oxytocin and so on.
Instead of focusing on the symptom of being exhausted, couples need to look at the bigger picture of how they are having sex. They also need to wrap their heads around creating more realistic expectations about what is doable for their present lifestyle and schedule.
Sex, like everything else in life, has its ebbs and flows. Sometimes there will be periods of upheavals, and sex will happen just once a month. During calm periods, however, that can increase to sex once a week (if that’s the couple’s frequency preference) or more. Sometimes, albeit not often, couples will look each other in the eyes and want to rip each other’s clothes off.
It all starts with a heart-to-heart talk outside the bedroom, such as: “This is our extremely busy situation for the next six months. What can we do sexually, and how can we stay connected even if we aren’t having as much sex as we’d like?”
If you’re truly in a busy period of your life, forcing the “sex once a week” formula will probably cause more harm than good. Instead, focus on maintaining intimacy outside the bedroom: touching, kissing and being nice to each other.
If you’re dealing more with the daily grind of life, scheduling sex is the easiest way for a couple to keep their sex life on the radar. It may not seem romantic and a couple can feel like failures because they no longer have spontaneous sex; however, chances are if they don’t schedule, it’s not going to happen.
The upside to scheduling is it takes away any negative feelings about who is going to initiate sex, and the walking around on eggshells wondering if “tonight is the night when I’ll have to have sex.” Research proves couples who schedule sex have more sex that is mutually satisfying.
So, the next time the words “I’m too tired” come out of your mouth as they relate to sex, think about how they are affecting your sex life overall. If you truly are too tired all the time, then maybe it’s time to get some balance in your life. After all, we can only hold our partner at arm’s length for so long before the relationship starts to suffer.
-Sexologist Dr. Trina Read is an author, sex coach and international speaker. Go to trinaread.com to sign up for free tip podcasts and read excerpts from her latest book.
